butterflyuk

Thank you some of my bloggy mates for sticking around even though I haven’t been making enough efforts to blog something sensible, interesting or even worth reading.

Yes we are back in that feeling empty, feeling sad, feeling angry on ourselves for feeling sad, wanting things that we can’t have mood. It could be that too many things to do, not getting any where near doing them, wasting time on useless things, lack of sleep and tiredness is bringing the demons that tug onto my feet very hard to drag me down. I am kicking them hard to get push them back in the hole them came out from.

Do we sometimes want something very badly knowing that we are not going to get it? So when there is a slight chance of getting a little bit it, we get panicked of losing that desire of wanting it badly? It is also possible that when we are near to getting some of it, the truth that we will not get it completely makes us sad?

It is similar to when I was three or four years old. At the end of the hot sunny day, after supper at night we used to sit on the outside veranda in almost dark. With my head in Grandma’s lap pestering her to tell me a story or sing me a song and with her telling me to watch the stars in the sky instead I used to fall asleep. On waking up I used to harass Grandma to bring them home so I can play with them. I wanted the stars so much because they were shiny and pretty.  When I got, as my birthday gift, a necklace made of shiny white sparkling stones in the shape of stars as a child I was very excited. After that I didn’t ask for the stars again, not because I thought I had a few of them but because I realised that I can’t have them completely – I can only have little bits of them.

My habit of wanting the things I can’t have has still not left me. I still haven’t learnt that things are not always same as what you imagine them to be.