Saturday, November 19, 2005
Can't be a..sed
Work has been manic now that Christmas is near. I am also trying for my employees to use up their annual holidays. They have been really good and not taken many holidays because I had taken on the second office in March and that made us busy.
On top of that I must meet the extra deadlines for some paperwork with the year end coming up.
The bungalow and the new mortgage are adding more work and the stress, more than I originally thought. The big fear is not having enough money to have a little easier life.
At the moment a friend and I seem to - how can I say it - looking in the opposite directions? It is not exactly like falling out, not like growing apart, not like sulking. It is like a “can’t be arsed” syndrome. (Sorry about my new found vocabulary!). That is upsetting me as much as I thought it would. Everything is getting on top of me. Not sure what the real reason is. Oddly enough not being in touch for a week or so is probably contributing more than any other reason.
I can cope with most of outside pressure and stress but when it comes to the matter of feelings and emotions I go overboard.
That brings me to some questions that I may know the answers to but not sure if the answers are right. I have probably asked them before but they are still there.
Why is it that you know that you will be better off, the life will be less dramatic, you will be more valued, more stable, less on rollercoaster up and down by walking away from someone but even then you just keep going back? Why you seem to be going through phases where you fight, quarrel, shout and blame each other but are happy and peaceful at other times? I am not talking about “that’s life” situations. I am talking about a pattern where you know that all the good times will soon change.
Why when you know you are not getting enough out of the relationship but you still hang on to it? Is it because there is no alternative? There is always an alternative if you look hard enough but you just don’t feel like looking. May be the alternatives are not much different? Why is it you seem to give a lot more than you get - all the time?
Is it that you must be getting something out of that relationship for you to want to carry on?
I always thought that love and affections are two way traffic. When you give some to someone they usually return some. When you know you are not getting much back then should it not stop you giving them? If you still want someone at any emotional cost is that an obsession? When you know the facts and see the outcome that is detrimental why do you still feel so sad to end it? Oh by the way the reason is not the fear of being alone - I can assure, so what are the other reasons and how do you overcome them?
Why does your happiness depend on someone else? Can you be strong and independent enough not to be affected by anyone else? Why do you let someone control your life? Can you make yourself happy and content all by yourself?
Then again at the moment I just want to drown in my low feeling. I can't be arsed to cheer up either.
On top of that I must meet the extra deadlines for some paperwork with the year end coming up.
The bungalow and the new mortgage are adding more work and the stress, more than I originally thought. The big fear is not having enough money to have a little easier life.
At the moment a friend and I seem to - how can I say it - looking in the opposite directions? It is not exactly like falling out, not like growing apart, not like sulking. It is like a “can’t be arsed” syndrome. (Sorry about my new found vocabulary!). That is upsetting me as much as I thought it would. Everything is getting on top of me. Not sure what the real reason is. Oddly enough not being in touch for a week or so is probably contributing more than any other reason.
I can cope with most of outside pressure and stress but when it comes to the matter of feelings and emotions I go overboard.
That brings me to some questions that I may know the answers to but not sure if the answers are right. I have probably asked them before but they are still there.
Why is it that you know that you will be better off, the life will be less dramatic, you will be more valued, more stable, less on rollercoaster up and down by walking away from someone but even then you just keep going back? Why you seem to be going through phases where you fight, quarrel, shout and blame each other but are happy and peaceful at other times? I am not talking about “that’s life” situations. I am talking about a pattern where you know that all the good times will soon change.
Why when you know you are not getting enough out of the relationship but you still hang on to it? Is it because there is no alternative? There is always an alternative if you look hard enough but you just don’t feel like looking. May be the alternatives are not much different? Why is it you seem to give a lot more than you get - all the time?
Is it that you must be getting something out of that relationship for you to want to carry on?
I always thought that love and affections are two way traffic. When you give some to someone they usually return some. When you know you are not getting much back then should it not stop you giving them? If you still want someone at any emotional cost is that an obsession? When you know the facts and see the outcome that is detrimental why do you still feel so sad to end it? Oh by the way the reason is not the fear of being alone - I can assure, so what are the other reasons and how do you overcome them?
Why does your happiness depend on someone else? Can you be strong and independent enough not to be affected by anyone else? Why do you let someone control your life? Can you make yourself happy and content all by yourself?
Then again at the moment I just want to drown in my low feeling. I can't be arsed to cheer up either.
# posted by butterflyuk : 11/19/2005 02:34:00 pm
