butterflyuk

I am back. It went well but now I am feeling down. Feeling empty, flat and lost. Running on adrenalin for days, all the buzz and the stress, the crowd and the companionship, lot of work and lot of social life and now back to the real world, or was that the real world? Perhaps that was the real world but this is reality.

Although I enjoyed it very much I feel very frustrated. I wish for once I could reach out and get something I want. I don't and afterwards I get angry that I didn't.

This time I didn't have my best friend to support me, look out for me and do everything I wanted to do. I missed him very much. I had to be in the group who was more extreme in ideas than me and I had no ally. I know I could have done things on my own but as you know it is difficult to do things on your own on the social front.

I didn't get to meet and spend time with the people I would have loved to because of the group I was with. They don't like the people I like. All politics - to feather their own nests.

Enjoyed horsing around with a new person in the group, talking, arguing, eating, drinking, running around in breaks to see who can run faster (I know, so childish!), dancing and laughing. It helped to take my attention away from the people I really wanted to be with.

I wonder if the people I wanted to be with were also thinking the same about wanting to be with me? It would be a shame otherwise. If they did want to be then why did they not try harder?

When I come back from these things I seem to go through these detached emotions. It feels as if nothing is real. No one really loves any one, no one truly cares for any one, every one is just selfish and uses other people, out of all these people circling around me, no one is really mine. On returning from the last social night back in my room I felt as if there was no one in the world and I was all alone. Then again wine had a lot to do with it I suppose.

At home sickie had just one meal from what I had cooked. This time it was longer than a couple of days to starve himself. There were people watching over him but perhaps didn't realize because he will always say he is ok if asked.

I had better start the diet and excercise again. It will take a month to recover from all the food and wine from this one week.

I am glad you are here. I feel safe being here.