butterflyuk

I knew this will happen. I was on the high. The adrenalin rush, stressed out but elated. A massive amount of unexpected work was completed within the strict deadline. Not forgetting the normal work and daily chores that continued.

A very important work decision had to be made, not just for myself for many other people too.I am very indecisive person in normal situation. I umm and aahh all the time. I start off saying I am going to a place and end up somewhere else. After saying all that,in fact my mind is made up within a few seconds of understanding the task put in front of me, but perhaps I don't know that . My heart and brain knows the very first time what the right decision is but for some reason I have to explore all the other options. In the process I get myself and others believe that I am changing my decision but in the end I still go to my first,original decision. The decision over the week end was a tough one. If it is a wrong one then it will be a disaster in the long run. I feel partly responsible for taking that decision for others too.

Now, today, I feel totally low, flat and unconnected with the world. Someone suggested that it is due to anticlimax of the very stressful last few days. It is not just concerning work though. I feel sad and lonely inside. I am trying to understand why I feel the way I do. I have been away for the week end.. Normally I have worries of home on back of my mind if I have to stay away but this time I had help so I was relaxed. Although the stay away was work it was entertaining too. To see lots of people I only see may be once or twice a year was good. Spending time with the friends was very enjoyable even if we were working. Now I am back home.

I should be satisfied that I had a good time. Good work, good result, good company and change from normal life. When I return from these events why do I feel sad and depressed? I feel detached with everything around me. I am sure no one else from that group feels like that. Is it because I wanted to be there longer? I feel annoyed with myself. Why should I want to be there? Perhaps it is better not to break the normal routine. Just carry on as you are and you don't know any different.

I am going to go away again. I am afraid to plan it. It is exciting to arrange it, to look forward to it. It keeps the mind occupied with happy thoughts but I am also scared that it will not happen and I will be sad. I am also frightened that if I do go I will perhaps feel sad on return. When I go to see my family abroad I feel like this on return. If I stay there longer then I feel sad for home. Why do I have such a complex mind? Why do I have to think all these useless things? Is it hard to find calm, satisfaction, contentment, happiness inside oneself? Or is it just me? Am I incapable of being truly happy? Have I not learnt it yet? How do I learn it? Why should my happiness depend on the others?